Thursday, October 4

More (roadtrip continued)

When I went to bed last night I started to remember more about that trip and the abduction incident in Spain. That day on the beach changed the entire trip. Before that the grown ups were happy and getting along and we all had fun, but then one day, that day, it changed. I remember sitting there in the sand under a parasol. I came there a bit later than them and they were upset about something.
My friend told me that I must trust her and not believe what my stepdad was going to say when he came later and that I had to stay there with her and no go with him. I think she was even crying. Her dad had forgotten something in the apartment and went back to get it and overheard my mother and stepdad talking about their plans. He went back to the beach and told her wife. They told their daughter. They were sitting in sun chair in front of us discussing how they should handle this and argued wether they should tell someone, the police, report back to Sweden, and how they should tell me:
- Your parents are not who you think they are.
My friend said and continued:
- I am your best friend, right? You know I wouldn't lie you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. So, when he comes, don't go with him. He's going to tell some lie about that your mother is missing and then ask you to come with him and look for her. Don't go. Stay here with me, promise?
- Ok, I promise.
Then he came and said what I already knew he would say:
- Your mother is missing, you must come and help me to look for her.
That's how I knew she was not missing, as I said before that I knew she would come back. He insisted and got angry:
- Don't you care about your mother? Don't you care that she is missing?
And continued like that for quite some time. My friends parents argued against him and also told me to stay, that I couldn't go with him, that he was too drunk or that what help could I do? It was better that I stayed there with them, so I didn't go missing too. My stepdad told me not to listen to them and come with him. We could buy ice cream on the way. My friends father couldn't hold it in anylonger and went up to him and told him, in Finnish ( so that my friend couldn't understand; she and her mother were Swedish and didn't understand Finnish):
- I heard you, I know what you are planning you sick piece of shit.
My stepdad pretended like nothing, that he must have heard wrong, that they were talking about something else entirely, like a film or that they just liked to talk like that amongst each other, that it turned my mother on. I don't know if he believed him, I don't think so, beause he was a smart guy, engineer I think. But somehow, I ended up walking with my stepdad to the icecream store.
- Ok, you can follow him to buy an ice cream, but then you must come straight back and not follow him any further. If you don't come back immediately we will call the police and come looking for you.  We walked past the ice cream store:
- Hey, this is the ice cream store.
- I know a better ice cream store a bit further down the street, let's go there instead.
- No, I want to buy my ice cream here, and we can ask if they have seen my mother.
He knew there was not time to buy an ice cream before they would come looking for me, and the people they had sold me too were waiting down the street, or in some car. Then I knew they had been right. He grabbed hold of arm and said that we had to hurry, because someone had said they had seen my mother in this area.
- But then you where she is, then she's not missing.
- No, I meant I think I saw her just now, we must hurry.
I refused. I started screaming.
- Let go of me, let go of me!
People were stopping asking what was happening, maybe the people from the ice cream store came out as well. He had to let go of me. Then I ran back to the beach. I think I met my friends dad half way, he was standing on the other side of the street. Perhaps he followed us to get proof that it was indeed what they had planned. He saved my life. That time. The trip back to Sweden after that was less pleasant and filled with anxiety hearing the grown ups arguing. In Paris my friend and her family took into a hotel and they were arguing about wehter they should allow me to sleep in the van with my 'parents'. I think there was a moment when they confronted me as well, because they had probably figured out by now that my stepdad was sexually abusing me. I tried my best to say whatever the grown ups wanted to hear in order to stop the hostilities. I admitted he abused me, but tried to not make a big deal of it, because I was ashamed and afraid of what would happen if people found out. Then I had to change it and say that they didn't abuse me. When it happened I blocked it out for the remains of the time in order to manage to survive and live a 'normal' life.  He had of course threatend me to silence, that he would kill my dog or that I would have no friends, that me and my mother would not survive without him and we would be poor living in the gutter.

When I think more about it I think my friends dad came back to the apartment while I was still there, heard them and whispered to me that I must come with them to the beach. I wasn't allowed to go to the beach that day, because of the sunburn. I tried to whisper back that I was not allowed, but he said:
- It's ok, you can sit under a parasol, you don't have to be here, come with me now.
I think I shouted that I was going to the beach anyway, and left. They shouted back that I couldn't, but I left anyway, with or without their approval, On the way to the beach my friends dad tried to keep up the conversation and told me how my friend missed me and that they weren't going to be angry. He must have pretended to buy my stepdads lies when he came to get me later and decided to follow us instead. Perhaps their original plan was to make me stay in the apartment until ther other family had left and then take me away and close the deal.  Or, they discussed which idea was best. The missing mom, or ' we went out for a walk and Lina strayed away'. I wonder what story they had planned to explain me missing after looking for my mother, something similar perhaps, that I just went missing during the search and then they found each other. Instead, my mother then came back to be beach, looking at me saying:
- So you knew I was not missing?
She had a story about how she had been out shopping and just lost track of time. My stepdad probably said that I was upset about the change of ice cream store and that he though he saw my mon down the street and we had to hurry. They held on to their lies as firmly as they could, the problem was though that they told different lies all the time, like  "we were talking about a movie" and "we just talk like that sometimes" and "someone said they had seen her" and " No I mean, I just saw her now".  Like I would go running.

Yes, I had real shitty childhood, worse than most people have experienced, but it made me who I am today. There are physical, mental and emotional scars that will never heal, but I'm not going to let that stop me from at least telling the stories, because it's my story.

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