Saturday, September 29

Saturday morning thoughts

I have been feeling real shitty the past week and possibly even past two weeks. It could be related to that old friend dying, but if so what does Ghost- Johnny want? It's not easy being a medium. I don't even want to acknowledge that I am one most of the times because of the stigma related to it. It is in general seen as a form of mental illness to perceive or even consider life after death, other dimensions etc. If you see ghosts and hear them talking, then you are hallucinating and hearing voices and must immediately be placed in psychiatric custody. I'm not that type of medium. I envy those who sees and hear things and have when I was younger and more insecure pretended I did that too, in order to be accepted by that society. The tragedy in this is that psychological sciences has not evolved in accordance to other sciences, as quantum physics. This means that what could be the interrelatedness of multiverses perceived by human mind/emotion is still labelled as mental illness. I don't know what deep fear that prevents psychological sciences from learning and growing in this aspects could be. Fear of the unknown future of their profession perhaps, as having their whole worldview, education and credibility tossed in the bin, as they were flat earthers. Which they in this sense are.
However, my mediumship is of a completely different character. I would define it as emotional and intellectual and not visual or audial.  Which is to say I sense emotions that I intellectually interpret as not coming from myself, but from others, aka empathy. Sometimes I get clues from reality as to what this concerns or who this particular emotion comes from. These clues are intellectual, as in comprehending structures and patterns that display synchronicities. Sometimes I just get a bad feeling though and then something horrible happens and it's not until afterwards that I can see the clues that were given to me, but that I failed to notice or interpret correctly. I think that has much to do with not wanting horrible things to happen and hence refusing to see the signs. Just as most people do with global warming, climate change, environmental degradation, social injústices, gender discrimination, animal abuse, sexual exploitation of children and many other horrific realities we choose to close our eyes and ears to. When people then realize what they could have prevented or done differently there is a sense of guilt. I try to interpret things right, but sometimes fail. Then I feel guilt for not being smart enough, observant enough or empathetic enough to pick up on the signs. However, sometimes I see all the signs and know exactly what is going on, but am unable to act, speak or communicate about it to the right people. This unability is mostly due to fear or repercussions, because it often involves pointing the finger at someone doing something bad. Most people who do bad things do not want to be revealed and do anything to prevent this.  Also, we can not rely on hunches in our current societal structure, there must be solid proof and that is paradoxically something very hard to find when it's there and easy to produce when it's not there. So what the fuck is going on?

Maybe Ghost- Johnny just want me to talk a little bit more about my memories of him and that era. Perhaps that's why I've been getting memory flashbacks from my 20's in general. Well, it was in the beginning of the grunge era and we were a goth-gang who dressed in black, wore heavy make-up, had weird hairdos and listened to music like The Jesus & Mary Chain, Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy, The Cure and read books about vampires, mostly Anne Rice and sat at cafés theorizing about who could be a vampire and for how long the aliens have dwelled among us. Most of us had creative pursuits in music, art, design, writing and acting.  Johnny was perhaps the coolest of the gang, the quiet type surrounded by myths and mystique and with a very mellow aura. I became shy everytime I met him. He was cute. I think we all had crushes on eachother in that gang, otherwise it would not have been a gang, if we in some sense didn't also love eachother. We didn't stick together for any other reason than socializing, just for the conversation and good company. We helped each other at times as well, as friends should do. Relationships came and went, hearts were broken, jealous intrigues and finally dissolution. Some remained friends for a long time, some are friends still and some people unfriended for life.

Same old story.

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