Wednesday, May 3

Just me

I'm plowing through 60-70 articles right now for analysis and it got me thinking, about a lot of stuff. Pyschologial conditioning for example and how you can access a persons weak spots and gain control over them by knowing their past history of abuse. Like women who have been abused as children subconsciously seek out the same type of men and how men who abuse has often also been subjected to or witnessed domestic abuse while growing up. This is not a boo-hoo post about my tragic childhood, but I just realized how my longest relationship ( 13 years) lasted so long even though the guy was an idiot. He had figured out that he could gain control of me by treating me like a child and thereby trigger the parent/child relationship where I was a helpless victim to the abuse (psyhcological and emotional in the relationship, but also physical and sexual in my childhood). He also had some retardation fetish and made me play along with that. Those two factors in combination really messed me up. I can still fall back into that behaviour if I'm not careful, playing stupid is a form of selfdefense and functions as a comfortzone when you want to avoid conflict. I don't want to end up in a relationship where you have be on your guard all the time and watch out for behaviour modification attempts. I've gotten very used to being just me and I like it. It also occured to me that abusive parents doesn't stop abusing because childhood is over, they find new ways to satisfy their need to abuse.

There is no type of abuse I haven't survived. Imagine that. I'm strong. :)

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