Saturday, December 3

The death of many

I've been through the death of many: dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, boyfriend,  dogs, cats and more. I don't remember ever feeling this devastated before though. Maybe Ville was the last straw, the last drop. I knew I had grown way too attached to that cat, but there was no stoppin it and now when he's gone it feels unreal, surreal and completely heartbreaking. So I apologize for this sharing of grief, it may not be "fun reading", but as they say:  "it helps talking about it". 
I buried him today out in the forest on his old huntinggrounds. Went out really early, before the Saturday rush. I want him back. I want to bring him back to life again. I can't stand him not being around. It feels more like a break-up than death. So I'm wondering a little if someone who has been feeding me love anonymously took advantage of Villes death and mooched in on the loss. Don't know who though, and it doesn't matter. I'm just  finding it hard to believe that Ville would cause me this much pain, but he was my baby. I can't grasp that he's gone. It's unbelievable. 
Maybe I didn't deal with my fathers and grandmothers loss when they went, but postponed it because I had their cats to take care of. The cats became them instead and I merged with the cats. We are all one, but the bodies are gone. No fluff to cuddle, no head to sniff, no paws with claws in the face in the morning. No litterbox to clean. No mouths to feed...but my own. I have lost my appetite too, but it will come back. I will survive, cope and come back, just like always. But right now I'm in the cold shower of loss. 

1 comment:

  1. Just came on here and read your post. I didn't know he was sick. Sorry for your loss(es). I rarely look at your blogs.
    Give yourself time. It took me years and I've discovered I'll never heal but I learned to cope. Last we communicated it was 3 recent deaths in my life then I lost count after 11 or 13.., I eventually secluded myself on a mountain for two years because I nearly lost my mind.
    I learned how to cope and took almost 4 years to do it. More losses came as well.

    My best suggestion is to adobt a kitten or a puppy as soon as you feel ready. I adobted a puppy over 5 years ago and we've become two peas in a pod. :) she's helped me heal from everyone's death and has given me new life.