Saturday, July 5

The backs and forths of creating,

It's becoming a regularity to paint portraits. The one I'm working on now is really special, as they all are. This one is special in the way that the customer gave me free hands to interpret the two siblings. Usually I ask a lot of questions about the people I'm going to portray, but this time I didn't. So I ended up looking very closely at these two children for a week or so and then started the sketching. The sketch was fantastic and I was considering leaving it at that and perhaps just add color to the background. The customer wanted something in my style though, so I also had to think, what is my style? I think I have one, but no picture is like the other.  It made me a little bit annoyed. I didn't want it to be a repetition of the last portrait, it had to be something new and innovative, but still in my style. It can't really be anything else than my style, since I'm the one painting it. Then I accidentally scratched a small piece of the paper, using and eraser while it was still wet ( bad idea btw) and was so upset by this that I was seriously considering tossing it away and start anew, but I continued. This was a challenge and gave me even more freedom to explore since it already was "ruined" and I had nothing to lose. I kept painting and painting, adding more and more details. It looked worse every time I returned to it. Is it beyond rescue? It can't be. I never fail. It's not programmed in my system.
What is failure? If the customer gets upset? If I'm not satisfied with the result? Which means it would be artistically lesser than my previous works. Did I lack engagement right from the start because I didn't get a backstory or is it because those mischevious children are unable to sit still? I'm working from a photo, but still, it evokes feelings and images about who they are as people.  I'm more and more convinced this picture will not be viewed by anyone without laughing. It's funny. I hope they are funny people too. Or maybe they can take out the painting every time they have boring guests or need to chock themselves.
It's soon ready. I have decided it must be ready after this weekend, today actually. It should be ready today.

Yesterday I also continued working on a Swedish piece I started writing on the train. It's beginning to resemble a play, maybe it will be that some day.  I could refine it a little and send it away to some small theatres. I could post an extract on my Swedish blog and from there spread the manuscript.

You see what is happening here? I'm belittleing myself.  It's because I'm not getting the necessary emotional follow up on my futile attempts to seek out out love and inspiration.  In other words, it's all your fault.


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