Thursday, September 5

In detail

Last Sunday Mr X came by unexpectedly. We had not decided to meet that day. We have been 'dating' for 8 years. A very useless relationship. More like friends with benefits, but only beneficial for him. He comes in, takes off his clothes, folds them and places them on the chair in the hallway, then goes to the bedroom and expects me to be there naked and ready. Same routine every time. No romance whatsoever. In the beginning there was, but it faded quickly.  He treats me like I was a prostitute, that he visits to satisfy his needs. Only the money is missing. He probably thought I was the dumbest whore in the world, who let him have it for free. I let him come around because it was convenient to get laid every once in a while, since nobody else seemed interested, or interesting. Lately he had become more and more violent in bed. Slapping and tossing me around without considering how I felt, biting my nipples, holding my wrists tights and once even covered my mouth while holding my wrist. It became more and more like a rape. I confronted him about his violent tendencies several times and he promised to be more careful, but instead it got worse. It was like he was taking out all his hatred for women and for Sweden on me. He has a job, which is changing diapers on elderly people. On his spare time he engages in petty crimes. One time he wanted me to kiss his shoulders, right after Black Axe had been in the news. So, this Sunday he comes by. I was feeling down, and though maybe some sex will cheer me up, but I realized pretty soon that was a mistake. In bed the abuse began right away. Biting nipples, slapping butt, tight grip around wrists, and hard fucks. I said stop. I said no. I said it hurts. Then he tossed me around and took me from behind. Very hard again and I said stop. I said no. I said it hurts. Then he took his hand and hit my lower back really hard, and then he did it again. He had my legs pressed between his legs, so I didn't fall down on the bed, but my back broke instead. Then he came and left, quickly as he could. I texted him that he had abused me again and that this was the last time. Now this is over. He texted back that he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I thought the pain in the back would fade, but it got worse and I fear the worst. So tomorrow I will go to the hospital and get an x-ray to see if there are fractures. The pain is mostly in the lower back where he hit me twice and in the neck from the tossing. I'm afraid to report to the police of course. Since they never do anything and always take the predators party. If I make it to the police station that is. He could easily get a gun and shoot me, to defend his imaginary honor. I told a friend in a chat about what happened, and since we had talked about him before, she knew who it was. She said, that considering his rape-like behavior in bed he has probably raped before and I get that feeling as well. He only cares about satisfying his sexual urges and keeping up appearances in society. He's not coming into my life anymore. If my back heals and I will survive any retaliation attacks for ratting him out as the piece of shit he is, then that would be a miracle.  Prior experiences doesn't give me any hope. If you report a crime, then you are pointed out as a criminal yourself, deluded, irrational , hysterical and dangerous even, to justify more crimes committed against you. If you don't report the crime and just tell your friends, then it's basically the same. The only way to not be punished for speaking up about the crime is being silent and accept that you are worthless and have no rights, because that's how men all over the world see women. If I get murdered for writing this, you know who did it. There are basically four antagonists to chose from, of which this is one. They might work together on this and I will write down their names on a piece of paper and hide it somewhere in the apartment.

Sunday, September 1

Drinking wine can be funny

I am very susceptible to alcohol and easily get drunk. Yesterday, as most Saturdays was no exception. Not horribly hung over though, but always slightly panicky and embarrassed when remembering I also spent time online. Usually I sing in the kitchen and stick to that, but ideas enter the drunken mind and all of a sudden I am insulting someone, flirting with someone else and if it's really bad I send nudes. Luckily that didn't happen yesterday. So, I apologize if I accidentally insulted anyone. I promise it will most likely happen again. 

The sky opened up today with thunder and lightning and rain. The thunder was really loud and hard and woke up the entire neighborhood.

So who's my guy?

What do you all think/feel?

You know I'm single and too famous for normal people and too infamous for famous people and basically stuck in social Catch 22.

Normal people who are afraid of the limelight can be ruled out immediately (because I'm already there) , because they are like muslims having crazy ideas about how you should live your life and who you should be to fit into their limited perception of the world.

So, I'm stuck in the realm of the public room. Who's there for me?

Is it Zlatan? Is he ready to take a second wife, or how is he going to work his way around this?
Then we have Ville Valo, Jared Leto, Thomas Jane, Joel Kinnaman, Bill Skarsgård... and some other chickens...

Please, offer me your opinion, who do you think would be perfect for me regardless?

Or should I just start digging my own grave because next year I will turn 50 and basically be dead to the world?

I will absolutely not be a Hollywood wife, wear a dress or walk in high heals, but you are welcome to pay for my facelift in order to get a date to begin with.

Sunday, August 25

Nothing new under the sun

I'm sure Bill Skarsgård is tired of hearing that he looks like a young Steve Buscemi, but he does. Have you thought about how standardized people's appearances are? You rarely stumble upon someone with a unique appearance.  Wonder if there's any research done about that, the archetypes of humanity? Have to check up on that sometime. Maybe the Nazis did research about that?